A new chapter...

Today started a new chapter in our lives. I started my new job. After 8 years spending my every waking hour to care for the total needs of my children, I have decided that it is not only time for me to go back to work, but it is necessary. Eight years ago, in August 2002, I was put on bed rest when I was pregnant with Ethan and Emily. From that point on, everything I have done in my life has been for my children.

When Rob got laid off of work again and we both started looking for jobs, the idea of going back to work was so exciting for me. The reality of the situation was that I NEEDED to find a job, but I soon realized that I also WANTED to find a job. I was thrilled at the idea of feeling fulfilled again in the workplace and when I was hired... well, I really felt great!

I set out and started preparing for my first day. I got some new clothes. Took care of some last minute things that needed to get done around the house and I was ready to go. There was just one tiny little problem, and she is just a little over 3 1/2 feet tall. She has blond hair, blue eyes, and she is terribly upset by this new chain of events. She answers to the name of Emily.

She had been getting more and more frantic as we had been counting down the days until today, but last night was the moment that I don't think I could have prepared myself for even if I had tried. We had already made arrangements for the kids to spend the night at Nana and Papa's house because we thought that it would be easier for them to not see me leave early this morning since I had to work in Downtown Mobile today. Emily had a massive break down last night and she sat in my lap and sobbed on my shoulder and snotted on my shirt for well over an hour. It was the most heartbreaking thing that I have ever experienced in my life. The way she acted was as if I was leaving her for good and moving away. There really was no consoling her. And there really are no words to describe how much my heart was aching for her and how much I wanted to take away her pain.

I left her at my parents' house as she was crying in my mom's lap. My mood for the rest of the night was the most melancholy I have ever felt in my life. In fact, I ended up just needing time to be alone. I could no longer feel the excitement that I had been feeling to start my new job. My mood just wouldn't allow it. I started to feel this overwhelming guilt despite the fact that I knew that the kids would be okay. I ended up locking myself into the bathroom and just crying. And I...DON'T...DO...THAT! EVER!!! I never allow myself to have pity parties. It's not in my nature. But I had one last night. I was suddenly filled with flashbacks of when the kids were infants and I was trying to teach Emily to crawl. How hard I worked with her every single day just to do the most basic things that babies do on their own. I remembered how I sat day after day and watched those videos on learning the baby sign language just so I could teach it to Ethan because he had speech apraxia and couldn't even babble like a normal baby, let alone say a word. I remembered all of the times that I sat with the kids through weeks and weeks of Kindermusik classes for several years in a row and our therapists would meet us to do their therapies there. I just sat there and balled my eyes out as all of these years of memories of being a stay at home mom with my kids and actually BEING THERE for them as I have helped them navigate their way through some of the toughest obstacles of their little lives. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I am doing something that is right for me and for all of us in the long run, but it is just hard taking that step.

So, last night as the tears flowed, I closed that final chapter in my life and in my children's lives. Today I woke up and we started the new one. Guess what??? We all survived! We will get through this adjustment period and everything will work out. As far as my new job...it was a first day. That is all I'm going to say right now. Ha-ha!